FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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