It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
