I want you more than these girls want KFC
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
