I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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