i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
