enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
