That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
