she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
