swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
