I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm really busy with my period
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