i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
