My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
