I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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