What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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