My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
