I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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