I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize