new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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