Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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