When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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