I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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