seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
