Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize