Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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