so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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