I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
