you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Randomize