hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
