Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
