im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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