Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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