lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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