I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
