i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
