I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
