i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
