I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
