I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
