i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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