when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize