So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize