When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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