i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
