Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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