In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
