but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
