Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Can Purell be used as lube?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
