After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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