I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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