I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
