Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
