Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
