If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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