We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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