I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize