I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
